The Sure Winner

"I know I can win this time."

"And what makes you think so? You’ve said that over and over, contest after contest, and you’ve never won anything in your life!"

"Yes, yes, but I know I’ll win this time. It’s a sure thing. I’ve got it all figured out."

"Okay, so what’s the contest that you’re sure to win? Not the lottery I hope."

"No, no. Nothing like that. This is a picture contest. You send in your picture, and the winner gets a two-week vacation for two in Hawaii."

"A picture! A picture of what?"

"A picture of yourself. And the most unusual picture wins."

"But you don’t have any unusual pictures of yourself."

"I know, but we’re going to take one. I’ve got it all figured out, like I said. You do what I tell you, and we’ll win for sure. It’s a winner, I tell you. I’m sure to win this one."

"I think you’re crazy with all these contests. You waste your time, and you never get anywhere Ralph. What makes you think you can win a contest with a picture of yourself?"

"I've thought about it, and here’s the deal. In the picture I’ll be tied up."

"Tied up!!! Now I know you’re crazy."

"No – listen. It’s for the most unusual picture of yourself, and I can’t imagine anyone submitting a more unusual picture than one of themselves tied up."

"Dumb, dumb, dumb - that’s what I think."

"Well, I’ve got it all thought out – so, will you help me or not?"

"I suppose so, but I think it’s crazy. What do I have to do?"

"Tie me up, of course."

"Just tie you up?"

"Well, tie me up like I want so it’s startling and unusual."

"And how will that be?"

"I’ve bought some things. First, a bathing suit – a nice fire-engine red one."

"A bathing suit!!! That’s hardly big enough to cover you. Since when do you wear a Speedo?"

"Well, it’s the only red one they had at the store, and it will be unusual so I bought it."

"So you’re going to wear that thing in the picture?"

"That’s the idea. And you’ll tie me to that chair – the heavy one with the arms. And I’ll sit there all tied up looking directly at the camera. It’s a sure winner I tell you."

"I must admit, it’s unusual, but I still think you’re crazy."

"Lucile, you say that all the time. Some day I’m going to hit it big time, and then you’ll see. Now, we have to hurry because the contest ends in a few days. So I’ll put on the swimsuit, and then you can tie me up and take the picture. Okay?"

"If you say so."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Well, that sure is red, and tight. Are you sure you won’t pop out of that thing?"

"It’s just for the picture. I don’t expect to wear it ever again. Now here’s the rope – notice that it’s red. I had to look all over for this, and finally I found it – it’s red cord for curtain pulls or something. Anyway, I want you to use it to tie me to the chair."

"Any specific instructions?"

"I’ve cut it in short and longer lengths. Take a short one and tie my wrists to the arms. There... That seems snug enough. Take a longer one and tie my body to the chair so I can’t bend over... Good. That seems nice and snug. Now take two shorter ones
and tie my ankles to the legs of the chair... You’re doing a nice job. That looks good. Yes, I’m tied nicely to the chair. Now in the bag over there on the table you’ll find a roll of bright red duct tape.

"Is this it?"

"Yes, that’s it. Bring it over here along with those scissors... Good, now tape my wrists and hands to the arms of the chair, covering over the rope and be sure to secure down my fingers... Nice, now do the other side... Now put wraps of tape over my arm just below the bend in my elbow... Good. Now wrap tape around my chest and the chair over the rope."

"I don’t see why you bought rope if you’re going to cover it with the tape."

"I think the rope will show through the tape when you pat it down firmly. I want it to be clear that I’m really tied up."

"Oh, I think any fool will see that you’re really tied up. I still think this is the dumbest thing you’ve come up with yet. I thought the bean counting thing was stupid, but this takes the cake."

"Just get on with it, wrapping the tape around my body. Then put tape over the rope that holds my ankles. Make sure it’s tight. . Ah, that looks good. When I struggle I can hardly move. Great. Now, in the bag over there you’ll find a red ball. Bring it here."

"Is this it?"

"Yes, that’s it."

"What is it?"

"It’s a gag. A ball gag. A red ball gag!"

"You want to be gagged too?"

"Sure. I want this to look real. I want to be tied and gagged. Go all the way and be unusual. I’m going to win this contest."

"Well, it’s clear that there is a ‘red’ theme in your craziness."

"That was my bright idea. Red swim suit, red rope, red tape, red ball gag. Isn’t that clever?"

"Oh yes, very clever."

" Now you put the ball in my mouth and secure the straps around my head. Make sure they’re tight. Then go and get the digital camera and take five or six pictures. We’ll look at them, see that there’s a good one, and then you can untie me. But don’t untie me at all until we’re sure we’ve got a good picture. Understood?"

"I get the digital camera, take a few pictures …."

"Five or six."

"Yes, five or six, and then we look at them. If we have a good one, I’ll untie you."

"And you’re not to untie me until we know for sure that we’ve got a satisfactory picture. Then I’ll print it and send it in."

"Keep you tied until we know we have a good picture. Ralph, if that’s what you want, let’s get it over with. But you won’t be able to say much if you’re gagged."

"That is the idea of a gag isn’t it? I can still nod my head ‘yes’ and ‘no.’"

"Ok, if that’s what you want. As soon as we see the pictures, however, it’s untie you and end this foolishness."

"Good, now put in the gag."

"It’s a tight fit – open you mouth a little wider. Oh, there it goes and now I’ll fasten the straps. There, how’s that?"

"Mmmmmmmph."

"That’s an awfully big ball. It really does quiet you down."

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

"Yes, yes, I’ll take the pictures. Just keep your shirt on. I’ve got to find the digital camera. Why didn’t you set that out too?"

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

- - - - - - - - - - -

"Well, here it is. I finally found it. Sorry that took so long, but I didn’t know where you had put it. Now I’ll take the pictures. You smile and look happy."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I’ve taken seven pictures with different angles and some with flash and some without. Now let’s look at them... Oh, oh!!! This isn’t the digital camera. It’s the regular camera! I’m sorry."

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

"Well, you won’t believe this, but I can’t understand anything you’re saying. That really is a good gag. Anyway, down at the strip mall there’s a one-hour photo-developing place. I’ll just take the film there and we can see it in one hour."

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph!"

"Now don’t get so excited. It will be just fine. I’ll get the pictures processed, and we’ll look at them, and then I’ll untie you. But you were firm that I wasn’t to untie you until we saw that we had a satisfactory picture. Isn’t that right?"

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

"Now getting all flustered and red in the face like that isn’t going to help. You just sit tight and I’ll be back in a jiffy. Bye."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oh Ralph, I’m back, and guess what. The machine at the photo-developing place is broken and won’t be fixed until tomorrow. They said to come back then. I left the film and they said they hoped it might be ready by Noon."

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

"Now, now dear. That’s only a few hours. And you did insist that I not untie you until we see the pictures. I’m only following your instructions."

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

"So now I’ll work on dinner, and then we can watch television this evening. I guess I’ll cook for one because you won’t be able to eat anything with that gag in your mouth."

"Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph Mmmmmmmph."

"I guess tonight I get to decide what we watch. That will be nice... Ralph, won’t it be funny if they don’t get the machine fixed tomorrow?"
 
 

05.08.02